How To Ask For A Divorce

You want out of your marriage, but how can you bring up this delicate topic without hurting your spouse? There is no “best way to ask for a divorce,” but there are a few ways to keep it peaceful and respectful. It is possible to make this tough conversation easier by using these 8 tips below.

1. Be Prepared

Knowing exactly where your spouse is at emotionally can make a big difference in how you choose to bring up the topic of divorce. Has the “D” word been brought up before during your marriage or will this topic seemingly come out of the blue?

Understanding how aware your spouse is regarding the state of your rocky marriage can help you gauge how he/she may react to the discussion. You may consider the idea of talking to a couples counselor or therapist ahead of time. These professionals can help you “role play” the tough conversation and offer advice on what to say in certain situations.

2. Choose The Best Place And Time

Be sure you choose the right moment to address this matter. Knowing when to ask for a divorce is also a crucial step in this process. Always take into consideration when this conversation should be approached and how you plan to speak about this if your children are not present at the time. Of course, there is no ideal time to ask for a divorce, but certain circumstances are better than others.

If your spouse has been struggling with some personal challenges, you may want to wait until he/she works through those issues entirely. Otherwise, you may receive a reaction that has less to do with your announcement and more to do with their current situation and struggles. Make sure to choose a place that is private, whether it is at home or a counselor’s office, for example.

3. Stay Calm For The Kids

Children can ultimately be traumatized by witnessing ongoing conflict between their parents. Show them that you can work together by peacefully ending your marriage. You are giving them a solid head start on navigating through what may seem like an uncertain future for the time being. Let your children know that you support each other as partners in parenting so they will have no doubt they will be taken care of.

4. Be Gentle, But Firm

How you tell your spouse about your desired divorce can sometimes determine the way the divorce unfolds. If you happen to bring up the divorce while clearly agitated, your spouse may not take the request as seriously as if you brought it up while calm and thoughtful.

Keep in mind that you’ve spent a lot of time considering this divorce, and more than likely your spouse has not. If your decision to file for a divorce comes as a shock to them, they may need some to let the new reality sink in.

5. Listen To All Perspectives

Listen to your partner fully after you have discussed your feelings. He/she may want to explore options like counseling in an effort to save the marriage. Your spouse deserves the opportunity to be heard at this time. You do not have to agree with he/she, of course, but it could help keep the peace if they feel heard. Don’t forget about the kids. Always listen to what they have to say during this difficult period of transition.

6. Accept Responsibility For Your Actions

Refrain from using “You” statements like “you make me unhappy in this marriage” during the conversation. Only use “I” statements at this time. This will help to avoid sounding like you are blaming your spouse for the current situation. Both spouses are likely to experience an array of emotions, but not always at the same exact time. Give your spouse time rather than forcing the issue if he/she is not prepared to continue the conversation after you bring up a divorce.

7. Be Understanding And Empathetic

Your spouse may not want this divorce, unlike you. The topic could cause them to be sad or angry, among a variety of emotions. Actively seek to understand their perspective and remain empathetic. It is not uncommon for your spouse to feel blindsided by this news. Show some empathy and compassion for how they are feeling at this moment.

8. Seek Professional Guidance

If you want your divorce to proceed in a peaceful manner, considering contacting High Desert Family Law Group to learn more about the collaborative divorce process.

Sources:

Dillon, Joe, et al. “The Best Way To Ask Your Spouse For A Divorce.” HuffPost, HuffPost, 7 Dec. 2017, http://www.huffpost.com/entry/how-to-ask-your-spouse-for-a-divorce_b_7367650.

“Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, http://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-grownups/200911/telling-your-spouse-you-want-divorce.